I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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