The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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