Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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