honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Randomize
