Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
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