Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
