I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Randomize
