I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
