I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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