I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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