remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Randomize
