last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
