I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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