I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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