I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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