the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Randomize
