The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Randomize
