woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
