I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
