I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
