Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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