her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
