I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
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