Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
