Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
