I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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