no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
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