Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
