he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
And then my night got REAL pukey
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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