I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
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