It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
