Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Michael Bay diarrhea
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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