you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
