I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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