I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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