It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
