I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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