guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
