She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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