Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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