i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
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