So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Found the puke drawer
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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