I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
