clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Randomize
