so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I looked at my own cervix.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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