Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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