I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
