I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
