You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
