i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
