i'm three days dirty after drinking 14 hours last night and some other questionable behavior (hula hooping at a large concert, for example) i will just always bring the class. and the sluttiness.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
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