she woke up with a sticky ear
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
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