omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Randomize
