I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
there is glitter all over my balls
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
