it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize