My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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