My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
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