This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize