I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
