My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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