he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I have tasted many bathrooms
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize